I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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