highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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