I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
