Betty ford says i'm here all night
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
