so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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