Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
