so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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