Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
