I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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