You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
