She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
