My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
