my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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