i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
