Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
