my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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