How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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