You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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