I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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