All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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