when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize