I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The uberlube is also flammable
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize