I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
