im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
