i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
