i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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