I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
