just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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