Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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