I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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