I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
