Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
