If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
