he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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