last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
