I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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