Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
