I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
