WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
