Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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