I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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