apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
