trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
