you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize