based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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