What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
