Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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