Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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