What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
