chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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