Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
