My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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