Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
not ubering you a puppy
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
