A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
