my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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