She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there's paper in my vomit.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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