So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
