I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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