What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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