i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Who died my cat blue again?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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