I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
