The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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